


In Absentia

by TheIndifferentDroid



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergent, Canon-Typical Violence, Caretaking, Depression, Feelings Realization, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Serious Injuries, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 19:14:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30009633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIndifferentDroid/pseuds/TheIndifferentDroid
Summary: Shiganshina, 850. Levi held out hope, but with no sign of their commander, the Survey Corps leave the battle bruised, decimated, and without their leader. And Levi is left wishing he had been given a choice.Aimless in the aftermath, Levi has to address his duty, his feelings, and what might have been—all without Erwin at his side. But the world beyond the walls may hold more mysteries than he will ever be ready to face.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Comments: 12
Kudos: 60





	In Absentia

**Author's Note:**

> A few things:
> 
> Please mind the tags and note this is a canon divergent fic. I’d also like to call to your attention that there is no Major Character Death warning. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that...
> 
> And some acknowledgements:
> 
> I’ve been working on this fic for nearly two years (still am) and have been lucky enough to have a handful of friends help me out along the way. I appreciate all of you.
> 
> [Momtaku](https://momtaku.tumblr.com/) is my wonderful alpha reader who I need to thank for being the guinea pig in this experiment in angst.
> 
> [Crownlessk_ing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownlessk_ing/pseuds/crownlessk_ing/works) has been on the receiving end of my yelling (and subsequent cursing) about this fic for a while now. Your help has been invaluable.
> 
> My friend and trusty beta reader [shinysylver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysylver) has been listening to me ramble about eruri and this fic long before they watched a second of Attack on Titan. Thanks for sticking with me and holding my hand and gently tugging me in the right directions. Especially when I meander.
> 
> And [Sica](https://twitter.com/firelordsica): thank you for being my IRL eruri/snk friend and reading my snippets when they were just little ideas and fangirling with me over drinks and queso.

Shiganshina is eerily quiet, the crackle of burning buildings a handful of blocks away the only noise that can be heard on the rooftop. Eren is practically vibrating with anxiety a few feet behind where Levi sits crouched next to Armin. The boy wheezes intermittently, and beats of tense silence fill the moments in between while everyone waits, wondering if he’s succumbed to his injuries. It wouldn’t surprise Levi; Armin looks like shit. 

Levi looks up at the wall and the late morning beyond. The sky is blue, too blue for what just took place beneath. The faintest fog muddies the air on the other side caused by the steam of the titans Levi just felled. The smoke signals are still clearing out too, the green muddling with the hazy white. They’d long outlived the soldiers that shot them.

Levi had seen the other side of that wall. It all feels like a fever dream now, but he remembers all too clearly the thoughts that had crossed his mind while he skewered the Beast’s face on his blade, the briefest moment of false hope he’d had that anyone could have still been alive—that _Erwin_ could have still been alive. That he could have brought Erwin back. He can more vividly remember Erwin’s face flashing through his mind than he can the blood and the steam and the devastation. It’s the smallest of consolations.

Now, Levi hesitates. No one notices it but him. But there’s just a split second before he opens the case when his hands stutter. _What if—_ The thought dies before it’s even fully formed. Then Levi’s thoughts turn into chaos. _No, this is what needs to be done. Armin is severely injured. Armin is dying. They have the serum. And Bertolt. Armin is dying. And Erwin—Erwin is on the other side of the wall._

_Erwin is dead._

“Clear out. I don’t need you brats to get in the way.”

Levi barely looks over his shoulder. He can’t bear to look any of them in the eye at this point. Their silhouettes move slowly in his periphery. The hiss of the gas tells him someone has at least listened to him. A few more shadows fling themselves off the roof. Two remain. He knows who they are. 

Levi narrows his eyes, does his best to glare, but still doesn’t turn his head completely. 

“Come on, Eren,” Mikasa says. 

And they’re gone. 

Levi looks off into the distance before he pushes the plunger on the syringe. He scans the tops of the wall, searching for movement. He’s just looking for threats, he tells himself. There is nothing on the other side of the wall. Just silence. Death and silence. Levi took care of the titans himself. The Beast took care of the rest. 

“Nothing,” he reminds himself. 

Armin groans at the sound. Levi pushes the plunger. 

Erwin is dead. 

____________________

The trip to the basement is eventful, but the memories glaze over Levi’s brain. They don’t stick, like he wasn’t even there. They take the books with them anyway. It doesn’t matter. 

____________________

Levi refuses to dismount his horse once they’re back inside the wall. He does not miss the way the crowd quiets once all eight of them exit the lift and no one else follows behind them. Levi clenches his jaw, sets his shoulders, waits for the first of the heckles to be shouted. But beyond the clacking of the horses and the carts, it is silent. It is stunned, reverent silence, the likes of which none of them have ever experienced. 

And Levi knows why. It’s the same reason his mind is so incredibly blank and his body so disconcertingly numb. Erwin is missing from their formation and the weight of that reverberates through the entire city. The Corps, of course, have felt it since they departed from Shiganshina. But they had been there. They had seen it happen. The citizens have been blindsided, their excitement turned to devastation at the sight of two battered veterans and six children less their commander.

The silence hits even harder when Levi notices the absence of the parents screaming for their children. It’s plain enough to see they aren’t there.

Of course, no one knows yet that Hange was appointed successor, either. They can guess—and guess they might—but the crowd has enough sense to leave well enough alone. They don’t bother Hange. They don’t bother anyone. 

Levi stares ahead, stone-faced, ignores the whispers of those brave enough to speak, to murmur Erwin’s name to each other at their realization. He ignores them all the way through the city to headquarters. He mindlessly returns his horse to the stable. He trudges to his quarters.

He collapses.

____________________

The morning is quiet and slow. Levi was awake when the sun rose, painting the district in a pink glow. He was awake, too, when the moon hung large and bright and illuminated the rooftops where Levi’s keen eye watched. He had only slept for a few hours, right after they’d returned, slumped in a chair in his bloody uniform. His harness woke him from his exhausted delirium only after the straps began to dig uncomfortably into his sides. He’d cleaned up and changed and found his way to the top floor, only detouring long enough to swipe a bottle of brown liquor from the mess kitchen while everyone else ate dinner in silence. He’s been on the roof ever since.

Sitting there now, watching the sun rise higher and the haze of the morning burn off, Levi thinks he should have picked up some food too. Not that he could have eaten anything substantial—his stomach is in knots—but he could have used something to counteract the alcohol. He isn’t drunk, not completely. He’s an adult; he knows how to pace himself, and he’s always had a high tolerance for the stuff. Just a couple sips an hour, enough to get a good buzz and leave his mind as blank as possible.

And it’s worked, somewhat. Levi hasn’t been thinking about much. He’s not concerned about their next expedition—if such a thing even exists—or the fact that he’s most likely next in line after Hange for a job he doesn’t want. Levi doesn’t think about much. Except Erwin. Erwin their commander. _His_ commander. The closest he’s ever been to blind trust. Furlan and Isabel were like family, no doubt, with all their faults. He would have trusted them—he _had_ trusted them—with his life. But Erwin was different, somehow. Levi would trust Erwin not only with his life, but with his future as well. With his past. And he had. Until Erwin put that same amount of trust in Levi, and Levi sent him to die.

The first full rays of sun begin to peek over the edge of the wall, and Levi squints. His head pounds at the sudden brightness, and he’s suddenly disgusted by the heavy sweetness of the liquor that remains on his tongue and coats his teeth.

He caps the bottle and stores it behind one of the loose bricks. He’ll be back for it later. 

Unsurprisingly, the halls are empty. There’s just enough light coming in through the sporadic windows that Levi doesn’t need a lantern. He wants to be as discreet as possible anyway. He’s managed to avoid any social interactions since he left everyone near the stables yesterday, and he’s eager to keep up the streak.

The mess hall is empty, so empty that it feels like it will never be full again. It may never be; what remains of the Corps won’t even fill up one table. Levi ignores the way his shoes send less than subtle echoes through the cavernous space as he bypasses the tables and makes his way into the kitchen. He starts boiling water immediately, his body aching for caffeine. He needs tea, if not to keep him awake—he’s likely going straight to bed—but to sober him up a bit before he tries to lay down with his head spinning. Kettle on the fire, Levi pokes around the cabinets for something to quell the beginnings of hunger clawing at his gut. He piles up a few pieces of fruit and some bread in a napkin, and by that time, the kettle has begun to steam.

Just as he moves to leave the kitchen, a murmuring of voices echoes out in the hall. A few people are talking at once, their voices deep and sleep-ridden, and he can’t make out who they are, but he narrows it down quickly. It’s not as if there are many options. 

Levi sighs, taps his foot. He would prefer to go unnoticed; he’s been successful enough over the past twelve hours and he’d prefer to keep it that way. And even though he doesn’t feel drunk, he imagines he looks it. He’s about to slip out the back when the voices come into range.

“Well, at least Armin is still asleep. He needs the rest.” Levi recognizes Jean’s tone—sure and headstrong though maybe a bit soft. 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t see him until tomorrow. I know I was out for a while after my first shift.”

The footsteps stop, and there’s a pause in the talking for a brief moment as they all settle into their seats. 

“Was Hange up yet?” someone asks. 

“I think I heard them moving around this morning,” Eren says around a yawn. “I doubt they slept.”

“Does Hange ever sleep anyway?” someone asks with a bit of a joking lilt to their voice. Levi decides it’s Connie trying to lighten the mood. 

No one laughs, but they try. Levi shakes his head, unseen, and wraps up the napkin around his makeshift breakfast. 

“At least Hange came to dinner, though. Where was Captain Levi?”

There are a few inquisitive murmurs Levi can’t comprehend. He steps over to the open door, but stands just beside it, out of sight. 

“The captain is taking it kind of hard, don’t you think?”

“Connie,” Mikasa says, her voice stern and a little patronizing. Levi can appreciate it. “All his friends are dead.”

“I don’t know,” Jean says. “I don’t think Commander Erwin was his friend.”

A rumble of dissent comes from the group, voices raising, but Mikasa’s voice cuts through them all again. “Of course the commander was his friend.”

The silence drags on for seconds. Every muscle in Levi’s body, tired and spent as they are, aches to jump from his hiding place and put an end to the conversation. But he holds steady. They’ll speak soon enough. He imagines them all staring at Jean, waiting for him to prove his point. 

Then he does.

“I’m saying they were more than friends.”

Eren and Connie delve into high pitched disbelief within seconds until they’re cut off by Mikasa. “Jean. Come on.”

“You saw how Commander Erwin looked at him.”

The four of them break into incomprehensible arguments, and that’s when Levi—fist balled into the napkin and jaw clenched—decides it’s time to end this debate.

He takes one large step from behind the door and doesn’t allow them time to acknowledge his presence. “I’m going to stop you right the fuck there.”

Four pairs of eyes are on Levi instantly, and the hall is suddenly silent except for a whispered curse that falls from Jean’s lips. 

“You,” Levi calls to Jean, pointing at him with a raise of his chin. “Stop spewing shit from your dumb mouth.”

Jean moves as if to say something, but Levi cuts him off, uninterested in anything he has to say. “Not that it’s any of your business,” Levi continues, pausing just long enough to look each of them in the eye, “but we were nothing more than friends.”

The four cadets don’t move, only stare at Levi with wide eyes. Even Mikasa, typically level-headed, appears to be a little rattled. 

“Now, you better watch your fucking mouths, spreading rumors about dead people.” Levi’s chest tightens. It’s the first time he’s acknowledged Erwin’s death out loud. He has difficulty continuing, only spurred on by the expectant eyes glaring at him, waiting on his next words. “You brats want to talk about me? Fine. But leave—” Levi pauses, seethes silently. “Leave _him_ out of it.”

Levi doesn’t hang around to hear the meekly mumbled _yes, sirs_. He storms off, cursing under his breath. His tea sloshes over the edge of the cup and scalds his fingertips. 

Back in his room, Levi scarfs down the food, hungrier than he realized, and tries not to think of what Jean said or how tired he is. He tries not to think of Erwin. He tries not to think about how, had this been a normal day, he would have gone straight to Erwin with the gossip to laugh about it over a cup of tea, just as he had when he heard the recruits talk about anything else they didn’t have the slightest idea about.

Most of all, he tries not to think about how he’ll never be able to do that again. 

Levi curls up on his bed, fully clothed, and sleeps in fitful bouts, disturbing dreams invading his mind that he’s tried so hard to keep vacant. When he’s asleep, the dreams are vivid, so real he might as well be replaying his own memories. Something is always off, though, just strange enough that Levi knows it’s not real, that allows him to stay buried in his subconscious for a little longer. Either Armin’s hair is brown or Hange isn’t wearing their glasses or he’s a full foot taller than Eren. He only stirs when Erwin appears, whole, with two flesh and blood arms and tries to reach out to Levi with the hand that doesn’t exist. Then Levi rolls over, and the dreams begin again with new inconsistencies plaguing his mind.

He wakes sweating, hours later, and lets off a string of curses under his breath. The sun is angling through his window, the last bits of summer beating through the glass and onto his bed unforgivingly. He can’t remember much of his dreams, but all he can see when he blinks is red. His head feels heavy when he stands to take off his shirt, then his pants. His body feels filthy and worn out, his mind weak and unsettled. The chair next to his bed creaks familiarly when he sits, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. The room is silent except for a deep breath, then another. Then the clock tower chimes. It’s only three in the afternoon.

He dresses quickly into another set of clothes and slips down to the mess for an early dinner, mostly to avoid the kids, though after the confrontation with them earlier, he doesn’t suspect they’ll be an issue for at least a few days. He’s able to make a decent meal from the leftovers from the lunch he’d slept through and takes his provisions back up to his room. 

The air outside Levi’s window is tinged pink when someone knocks on his door a few hours later, the food gone and his tea cold. He startles as if he’s been caught doing something wrong, but it’s the fact that he isn’t doing anything at all that makes the guilt course through his veins. After dinner, he’d sat in his chair and stared at the sun until it dipped behind the wall and his eyes were blurry from the light. 

He stands, stretches, his joints stiff with disuse, and he hasn’t even taken a step towards the door when another knock comes.

“Levi,” a voice hisses.

Levi stops stretching and deflates a bit. It’s Hange.

Hange has a look on their face that is equal parts amusement and exhaustion. Their lips are upturned, but their one eye looks sad. Hange holds up a bottle in front of Levi. It’s the same kind he has hidden on the roof.

“Thirsty?” they ask.

Levi follows Hange down to the courtyard. He’d prefer to go back to the roof, but he’s glad he doesn’t have to disclose his hideaway for now. 

Hange brought two glasses, thankfully. Levi had barely managed to convince himself to drink directly from his own bottle; there was no way he’d share with Hange. Hange pours the brown liquor into Levi’s glass, filling it halfway, before adding some to their own. Levi is holding his glass out for more by the time Hange has straightened the bottle above their own glass. 

“The cadets were quiet at dinner,” Hange says once they’re both situated, seated side by side, and Levi’s glass is full again. “I asked them if they’d seen you today and they clammed up.”

“They finally learned how to keep their damn mouths shut, huh?” Levi huffs and takes a deep sip from his glass and tries not to drain it again. 

“What were they talking about?”

It’s silent for a moment. By now, the sun has completely set and darkness has overtaken the sky. Levi looks up, shaking the hair from his face, but a hint of the early fall breeze rustles the strands and just obscures his view again. He closes his eyes, raises his glass to his lips. He empties it this time. 

Before he can manage to place it back on the ground, Hange reaches to take it from him and sets it down decidedly on their other side. 

“I know,” he says. “I’m done anyway.”

Hange hums and waits for a beat before asking, “Erwin?” 

Levi nods. 

It’s quiet again, Hange letting Levi take whatever time he needs, though he wishes they would say something. The silence is too expectant now that the topic has been clearly decided. Levi isn’t ready to talk about Erwin. Not with Hange. Not at all.

“Just… rumors,” he starts.

Hange makes a noncommittal sound, and Levi finds them to be far less affected than he had anticipated. They take a long sip of their drink before casually belching under their breath. “They’re just kids.” 

“Bullshit,” Levi spits. “They’re soldiers.”

Hange doesn’t argue. 

The night air is thick and it sits heavy between them, Hange filling the time with too-frequent sips of their glass while Levi digs the heels of his boots into the dirt, not even flinching at the way the black turns brown from the dust. He can feel the alcohol easing its way through his limbs as the minutes pass, relaxing his tense shoulders, while the tightness in his chest doesn’t budge. The buzz loosens his lips, though, and he speaks finally. “They thought we were together,” he mumbles. 

“What?” Hange shrieks, and the sound makes Levi wince. “You and me?”

“No, dumbass. Me and—”

“Erwin,” Hange finishes. 

Levi is thankful they do. 

But there’s a certain tone to their voice, more revelatory than inquisitive, the same kind of tone they get when they talk about titans, and it makes Levi’s stomach roil. “Hange,” he says cautiously.

“What?”

“We weren’t.”

“Right,” they say quickly. “Right. Of course you weren’t.”

Levi sighs. He hadn’t thought he would need to convince Hange the same way he had the cadets. 

“Me and Moblit weren’t either, you know,” Hange continues suddenly, and Levi looks quickly over to them. Hange’s gaze is trained somewhere out into the courtyard, in the darkness, focusing on nothing in particular. Levi recognizes the stare, distant and not at all present.

Hange lost someone yesterday, too, Levi suddenly remembers—they all did—and the loss is evident in their voice, in that stare.

“I loved him,” Hange says, voice cracking. “But he… loved me a different way, I think?” They pause, and the sharp laugh that escapes their lips shocks soberness into Levi. “He tried to kiss me once, did you know that?” They laugh again, still staring off into the distance. “He was so embarrassed. I told him it wasn’t that I didn’t like him, I just… never liked anyone like that. I promised not to tell,” they finish, voice going suddenly serious again. 

A moment later, Hange seems to be back in the present, grabbing their glass suddenly and finishing their drink.

“Don’t worry. Who the hell am I going to tell?” Levi asks.

He’s unsure if he meant for his words to be biting or comforting, but he manages to get another weak laugh from Hange.

Levi chooses that moment to stand. He’s never had such a serious conversation with Hange, and, while it was fairly one-sided, he doesn’t feel the need to continue it any longer.

“You and Erwin, though,” Hange says suddenly. Levi looks down at them and meets their eye. He can’t look at the patch now without thinking of Moblit. “You two had something special, though. I could tell.”

“Tch,” Levi responds dismissively, dusting off the seat of his pants and frowning both at the grime on his hands and the realization that hits him suddenly. “And now I’m stuck with you.”

“The brats, too,” Hange reminds him with a forced fondness in their voice.

“Yeah,” Levi says, huffing a humorless laugh. “The brats, too.” 

His chest is still tight, Levi notices, but it’s warm, too. At least a little warmer than it’s been all day.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Chapters 2 through 5 are currently expected be posted on a regular schedule.
> 
> I'm on tumblr as [huxandthehound](https://huxandthehound.tumblr.com/) and twitter @[NonchalantDroid](https://twitter.com/nonchalantdroid). Come say hi or scream at me.


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